Tremble with terror, ye unbelievers! No recording industry fortress can withstand the unstoppable musical force unleashed upon this mortal realm by the musical alchemists of Albion!
Iron Maiden are so much more than just an astonishing and amazing live spectacle. They're a living, breathing, libertarian resistance that glories in taunting an entertainment elite that long ago decided such louts were just too uncouth, too incorrect and generally unworthy to tread the sanctified and hallowed halls of the mainstream media complex.
Cast out and denied the limelight that was rightly theirs, Iron Maiden set about raising an army of fans and building an entertainment war machine the likes of which this world has seldom seen.
They have succeeded, and they have swept all before them.
My personal relationship with Maiden began way back in 1986, when I first saw them play live at Hammersmith. For any readers who remember, this was the gig that featured a brief appearance by some hapless kid who was placed there courtesy of Jim'll Fix It…ahem, moving swiftly on.
I've seen them four times in total, roughly once a decade, and on each occasion I've witnessed how this insatiable media monster has grown bigger, stronger and ever more ambitious with the passage of time. With musicianship, equipment and a stage spectacle second to none, Iron Maiden have first conquered and then colonised parts of this world where the corporate media machine often fears to tread.
Fronted by the coolest living Englishman, an Iron Maiden gig isn't just a great concert, it's a major event. The ground trembles as the beast approaches, accompanied by a roar of jet engines as a customised Boeing 747 named Ed Force One touches down. This is no magic carpet for a spoiled pop princess, but rather a fully liveried workhorse transporting band, crew and tons of equipment to every conceivable corner of the globe. Naturally, Bruce Dickinson himself is at the controls as Ed Force One continues its epic journey to spread the dark gospel.
Oddly enough, the sheer scale of an Iron Maiden gig means that it's actually best viewed from a bit of a distance. The stage and lighting are of such epic proportions that it's easy to miss the bigger picture from close up. Naturally, there's no need to worry about not hearing if you're further back, as Iron Maiden's infamous four axe attack can be heard for miles around.
Now well into their fourth decade in the music business, Iron Maiden have managed to avoid the rock 'n' roll tiger traps which have turned far too many of their contemporaries into monosyllabic, shambling caricatures. They're fit, able, independent and spoiling for the next conquest.
Any band that's big enough to headline Glastonbury but turns it down is a band that deserves our undying respect and admiration. Iron Maiden exist in a parallel media universe which they've conjured into existence through sheer force of will (and maybe some dusty, arcane powers) making them the undisputed overlords of all they survey.
Go see the beast on the road, and pay homage to the world's greatest living rock legends.